My Depression

I don't think any motivation word will help me this day. Trying so hard to keep smiling while deep inside I was tormented by my mind and by my heart. All of that deep darkest though crawling up filling up my head.

Oh dear God why my heart is so weak despite my body is so big. Everytime I start to think everything slowly. I realise no one really that care for me. Everyone just tried to get the best of me, so they can reach me everytime the need of me is arise. Somehow it's hurt me really good, too realize I was all by myself all along. Everytime I put my trust, my hope, my dream, even my love to someone, they just keep letting me down. I won't tell that I'm fine by that, no it's never just fine. I tried to ignore it but the more I ignore it, the more harder it hit me back. How can I think straight when everything I have planned crushed in front of my eyes, how can I keep loving when there is this big hollow and a lot of scar in my heart, how should​ I be fine just like that?

You should already know how I raised by my parents, I was raised by an Iron hand dad, and the warm of love from my mother. Yeah, even though I lost all of my freedom to choose what I go after but, they are the only thing that closest to what I can call love. They are the only reason why I tried to keep strong.

But, sometime I don't think that I strong enough. To be honest I think I am the weakest man that ever alive. I can't endure this pain any longer. The feeling that haunt me every night breaking my body apart from within, I don't know how to fight it. My friend Rani once was asked "How can I'm not panicked, considering how terribly bad my final project is?" That's time I told her, "because I don't think panicking will do me any good", but honestly I just don't know how should I do, just like when Maria asked me to, how I'm never approach her like everyone did to get closer to her. The answer is still as the same, "how should I?" All I know the best was to be myself. And being myself that mean being stupid, weak, reckless, and such a big losser.

I don't know how should I endure this feeling anymore, the only thought that's came into my mind, it must be feel really good if I'm dead.