Sudah gak tahu lagi, berapa banyak air mata ini tumpah. Memalukan ya, seorang pria yang hampir berumur 30, menghabiskan harinya dengan tangis. Entah tangis karena menahan rasa sakit saat terapi, atau tangis terhadap rasa kecewa yang menumpuk di dada. 

Namun kali ini, aku menangis akan hal lain,  hampir 2 bulan, tidak berdaya karena peradangan pada sendiku, aku melihat hal-hal luar biasa yang dilakukan kedua orang tuaku. Bagaimana pedulinya mereka diusia mereka yang tak lagi muda, untuk terus membantu dan merawatku, selayaknya aku seperti kembali menjadi anak kecil. Aku benar-benar merasa beruntung, dimana banyak diluar sana mereka yang mungkin orang tuanya sudah tiada. 

Aku merasa sedih dan malu terhadap diriku yang tak berdaya ini, namun semua pengorbanan yang dilakukan orang tuaku, sekaligus menjadi obat semangat untuk diriku. Sekarang aku memahami, kenapa Tuhan tak pernah membiarkanku sendiri, karena mungkin Dia tahu, aku tak akan mampu menjalani ini semua seorang diri. 

Aku yang selalu mengejar hal-hal duniawi sebelumnya, saat ini aku hanya ingin kembali sehat, dan menggunakan kesembuhanku nanti untuk menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik, serta berguna bagi semua orang. Kesembuhan menjadi mimpi terbesarku saat ini, bukan lagi gaji tinggi, jabatan tinggi, atau hal-hal lainnya. Aku hanya ingin sehat, dan dapat membalas semua kebaikan orang tuaku. 

Sekarang aku sudah bisa menerima penyakit yang aku derita ini sebagai sebuah sarana yang Tuhan berikan padaku, untuk melihat hal-hal penting yang seharusnya kujaga, yang seharusnya kuperhatikan lebih baik lagi. Aku tahu ini tidak akan mudah, tidak akan cepat, tapi aku akan berusaha demi kedua orang tuaku. 

I don't know what title I should give to this story. It's been one month since I came back to Semarang, after 3 years long journey on Capital City. Honestly, I don't know how should I feel about it. 

Everything seemed so well at the beginning, I moved to Semarang, hoping everything will start smoothly, a big future waiting me in the future. Joined in one big IT company, somewhat like a dream come true. I begin to planned everything, life, marriage, and career. 

I even planned out an engagement ceremonies later on December. Me and Linda my loved one, already started preparing everything. Till one day, everything start to look sorrows. 

At first I feel my whole body was aching. Till later on the day I found out, I got caught dengue fever. And not just that, I feel so much pain on my knee, that I had trouble to walk. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized on the 3rd day of my job. I thought once I got discharged, everything will come back to normal. But I was wrong, after get hospitalized for around 4 day, I start back to my boarding house, leave everything at there. Then I start to think, maybe tomorrow I will just go to work from my home in Salatiga, so I go home, leaving my medicine on my boarding house, because I thought it won't be that much problem. 

And so the problem arise at night, my right foot was in so much pain, that I can barely hold, I don't know how much time I gonna passed out, so my families decided to take me back to hospital. The nurse tried to gave me a painkiller injection, but that doesn't work, so they suggested me to be back to hospitalized. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized again after 12 hours of being discharged. 

My mom basically sleeping with me in the hospital for one whole week, but thankfully Linda able to switching place with my mom, so the last 3 day I was watched by her. But that one week worth of hospitalized, only able to reduce the pain, not healed the real problem. 

After one month worth of control and therapy at physiotherapist, I don't feel so much changes, so I started to change the hospital, but it's still the same, the problem is not yet cured. This disease start to eating up my mind, so much plan, that goes to the drain, because of it, so much people become disappointed on me because of it. 

I honestly don't know, what option do I still have. I am lucky that I got a supportive family, but I still can't shake the feeling of depression off. 

Today It got worsened, I can't even walk and stand properly without anyone help, even to take a bath, or take a dump. I feel so much useless today. Even I am almost passed out try to endure the pain. 

I don't know how I should feel about this.. 

Truth and Love

Time pointing at 2 p.m

Yet here I am sitting alone

Too tired to sleep

Just keeping my mind steady

And yet

I am still thinking about you

That time seem don't want to stop for me

Lost while trying to peek into your heart

Now I lost empty and stranded

With no feeling nowhere to be found

I thought, I won't sing the same sad song, twice

But this kind of emotion, 

like to play in repeat within my mind

So please, just once

Let me hear the song of your heart

While looking at your face full of love

I really want to hear it

I am so badly want to understand it

Become I knew I was never wrong about you

No matter how loneliness killing me slowly

Or how badly my disease corrupting my body

I am still believe

I will see you again

Maybe not in this time, 

Maybe in another life, 

After all, it's just like what I always hope for

I won't ever lose you this way

I don't need any reason to love right? 

Because I won't ever able to convince you

And yeah, 

I will eventually become your memories

I am smiling yet it so damn hurt

Even my tear could look this bright

So please, just once

Let me hear the song of your heart

While looking at your face full of love

I really want to hear it

I am so badly want to understand 

Even though there's someone else

Which you staring so deeply right now

Let me hear it, the song of your love, 

So I can look what love really is

And I could once more believe

That this love song is real

And I swear

I am already accepting my past

No matter what memories and regret

I swallow it all as a whole 

Now, I tried to sing my own love song

So It will remind me of you

Even though there's someone else

Which you staring so deeply right now

But my love song won't end

Because I had met you

That's the truth and love

My Kids Name

There's a lot has happened recently. World doesn't look good to nowadays. Thinking about pandemic and government, only brought myself down. I tried to take a breather, by spending my precious weekend, watching anime, I'm glad, I picked the right one. I just finished watching Assassination Classroom. The story are goods, it's about a special class, having a special task, to study, to kill, and to grow. I won't spoil anymore of the stories, because I don't want to ruin, anyone who hadn't watch it. 

This movie leave a lot of bright motivation to my life, and also a lot of tears. Well, kids, if you ever wonder, what the meaning of your name is. That movie has kinda inspired me, to gave you name Novel and Saga. You must be wondering what kind of name is that, Novel and Saga are more like stories right, well you're half right, but it doesn't mean I want you to be a writer or something. Honestly, I used to think, I wanted to be one but I guess I don't have that kind of talent, so I ended up admiring it. 

You know, as a kid, you can't choose what kind of parents you would have, or what kind of family you would ended up with in this life. That's why, I don't want you to think so much about me or your mom, because unlike you, we choose to give birth to you, to raise you, to protect you and nurturing you. That's why you, owes as nothing. Like both of your name, Novel and Saga, I wish you life your live proudly, walking in your own path, chasing your own dreams, and make a life full stories. That kind of Novel and Saga, that I wish having in both of you. And like any other stories, it won't just full of joy, sometimes even sadness and sorrow might come around the corner, hardship, teamwork, friendship, betrayal, justice, and unfairness, everything will mixed up in that stories, but I would always pray that you guys can overcome any of that. So you can come up like a protagonist should, full of joy and kindness. 

Remember, your name are just like the cover of any books, it won't mean that much, what really matters is what you guys have inside, in your heart and in your mind. I hope I can hear the full stories of your life. 

PS: I wrote it, when I'm still single, living on monthly paycheck, depressed by the pandemic, and work. But I earnestly gonna give you guys this name. 

As I stare to the skies that night,
I start counting, count and count, until I lost of the track,

Then I wonder when was the last time,
I shouted what I really want from deep within my heart,

What I really longing for..

I don't remember, 

I grew up, thinking what best for everyone,

Never once I think, ever I thought something just for me,

I don't really know what I want,

What is it that I really longing for..

Make me wondering everyday, day by day,

Why am I alive,

What good is it to keep someone like me alive for so long,

Everyone always kind to me,
I really grateful of that,

But, is it the kind of life, that I always searching for?

I just, want, someone said to me, just this one phrase,

It is okay to tell everyone what you ever wanting for,

Just that one phrase,

I think could change my whole life.

I don't have the gut to tell myself that..

I'm too afraid,

Every time I tell what I wanted,

It will never come,
So I lost count how many time I wished, I doesn't matter anymore,

It won't come true anyway.

So I forbid my self to ever expect something again,

To hoping again,

To dream about future,

It won't surprise me, if any second now I'm die,

Maybe that what best.

I'm tired,

I'm tired living on mask,

Tried to keep on everyone standard,
I want freedom,

I want to shout it out loud about what I want, about my dream, about life..

I wanted it so bad.