I wonder when was the last time I ever had one real conversation. I don't seem to remember it. The real conversation I have right now are through my blog and my diary. As the time passing by, I'm still searching for a job, and this kinda withering my will. Everytime I go outside, I just gazing to some far away place, to an old dreams that I don't think it would come.

I'm start asking myself, did this kind of life satisfying? Deep down I wanted more, but what can I do. Sometime I think my parents already disappointed on me. It's happening again, the past karma that yet to come. I knew how bad I was, that made want to got back and killed my own past. Did I ever regret, did I properly received my punishment, every time I prayed I'm wishing that if I will just become a burden for someone else, I wish God would take my life instead, rather some people who will have a bright future.

If you asked did I depressed, yes I'm. I still don't know what I am really are, what I am good at, or what kind of future that I want to have. I am trying so hard not to giving up, but life really kick me down harder and harder. I am holding on with a single thread of life. I really wish I could go back and make everything right. I think this kind of life is my punishment for the past. I am really disgusting with my own past, my own self. I am start ignoring everyone face, voice, it's better this way anyway, after all not so long they will forget about me again. I don't know if I could hold on any longer, I am pathetic. My life are full but nothing with worries and regret, will I find my purpose, my redemption, or even my own happiness, who knows?