2021 Intermezo

If you have the chance to see every possible version of you, in every choicest you could made in this life, would you stay the same? Or you would like to venture the other version of you? I wish I could venture the other side of me but, does that mean I won't ever met them, met her, won't I ever feel helplessly fall in love to someone, when I thought about it, it's kinda sad and empty life. But, did woke up every morning to be suffocated by the thought of everyone leaving really worth it? Why do I have to be so easily fall in love with someone? 

After carefully looking inside my self, I realized, I don't have so much purpose in this life. That why I easily falling in love with someone, despite I got attracted to their beauties or my male instinct, the more I know someone else dream, the more I got magnetized to them, because they have something, that I don't. I wanted to helped them realized their dream, so I could get another hold for my reason to live.

But, just like me, they're also have their own preferences kind of man, and honestly I don't think I have that kind charm or charisma. That's why, I tried to change, I given up to look for what I don't have. So far I knew, my biggest mistake is that to fall in love, so I stopped to fall, and start to build love. I mean, when I fall in love it was always unplanned or accidentally happened, but when I thought about building love, I'm able to plan something for it. Like it was easy you know, it can be less suffocated too. Building love start as simple build love to my own self. By doing it, somehow, I can manage not a far future dream but it can be as simple as, tomorrow I want to learn Kalimba, next Sunday I wanted to take a picture on historical site, etc. That's when I realize, maybe I just wanna live my life. Well, the thought of someday I could be all alone, really terrifying but why do I need to suffering my self for uncertain future?

I never said that I don't get jealous when I see someone in relationship, I always thought "It look nice to be loved by someone." I always try to comfort myself by the thought, "It's okay, I still have people who loved me to." I always thought it was two kind of different love but, I could said it's not different at all. I always thought that two people who fall in love, can talk about everything with no secret at all, but that's not the case, I realized no matter what kind of love is it, there's always secret behind it. And being in love in thought of "living together for ever and ever" is not as easy as fall in love, there's something that need to be build so "living together for ever and ever" can ever happened, this the reason I stop falling in love. I need to build love first, how I love myself, how I love my families, my friend, and maybe how I love the life itself. Honestly I don't quite sure how to do it, but one thing I sure building families is a hustle and full time job, and looking how I managed my own job, I don't quite sure the me right now will able to build up a proper families, so I preparing the very fundamental and critical thing in family, that is Finance. Well, I kind of working toward it right now, and for other things I tried to enjoy myself a bit more, caring and loving everyone around me, even though I know how messed up the world right now, at least if I could make a person smiling today, it still worth it. Hopefully 2021, the world can be a little bit better, and dear my future wife, if you does exist somewhere out there, please don't give up looking for me, cause I don't give up looking for you either.