Friday, 29 January 2021

Kangen

Siang ini entah mengapa di tengah hari yang padat, aku rindu akan hal-hal kecil di masa lalu. Hal-hal kecil yang rasanya dulu, biasa saja. Anganku melayang ke masa lalu, ke waktu di mana aku masih kuliah di Semarang. 

Empat tahun sungguh waktu yang tidak terasa. Semenjak aku lulus dari kampus biru tua itu. Aku dan teman-temanku sekarang sudah berpisah demi mengejar mimpi masing-masing. 

Melihat jalanan Jakarta di depan kosku hari ini yang sepi, seolah mengingatkanku pada jalan di Semarang kala itu. Kupikir setiap hari jumat siang ini, aku dan teman-temanku selalu menyempatkan waktuku untuk pergi Jumatan. Sebuah acara kumpul kecil-kecilan yang diadakan organisasiku kala itu, PRMK FT. 

Ya, meskipun aku sendiri agak malas untuk datang ke acara itu, tapi karena teman-temanku selalu semangat untuk hadir, ya aku jadi ikut-ikutan. Sebenarnya yang kucari kala itu mungkin bertemu orang yang kusuka, tapi ada hal lain yang bikin semacam hiburan, yaitu makan bareng selesai acara. Aku yang dulu selalu mengosongkan hari jumat siangku dari mata kuliah, senang sekali ikut makan bareng itu, karena selalu saja ada topik pembicaraan menarik yang terjadi di situ. 

Jujur aku kangen banget makan bareng seperti itu lagi. Dulu warung tempat makan andalan kita ada warung gondang dan pak karnoto. Makanannya biasa aja sih, tapi karena murah dan dekat ke mana-mana jadi kita seringnya makan di situ. 

Makan bareng itu jadi kayak sebuah kewajiban aku dan teman-temanku setiap kali melakukan kegiatan apapun, dari olahraga bareng lah, rapat lah, ke gereja lah, menyelenggarakan eventlah. Di situ aku selalu merasakan adanya kehangatan dan keterbukaan. Mulai dari sekedar omongan ringan, basa basi, sampai pembahasaan buku seperti madilog bisa terjadi di sini. 

Tempat makan favorit kita kala di semarang, klo untuk sarapan pagi, ada Soto Kantor Pos deket Gereja Karangpanas, Gulai Akpol, Pecel Penny di Tembalang, makan siang ada Depot Sukses, Warung Pak Karnoto, Warteg gondang, es teler Banyumanik, Makan malam ada Nasi Ayam Yutik, Cak Eco, Mie Sumatera di Tanah Mas, Pak Gik, masih banyaklah pokoknya. Dulu, kayaknya hal itu biasa aja gitu, tapi sekarang rasanya kangen. 

Mengingat hal tersebut membuatku sedikit menyesal melewatkan acaran tahun baruan di Semarang, di rumah Ilga. Harusnya di acara itu aku bisa mengulang kembali kenangan-kenangan itu, tapi aku sadar posisiku sebagai laki-laki dan juga usiaku yang sudah tidak muda, aku tidak bisa begitu saja lepas dari tanggung jawab terhadap pekerjaanku. Kangen, asli, aku kangen banget ketemu mereka, biarpun tak banyak hal yang bisa kuceritakan, tapi aku selalu nyaman berada bersama mereka, meski hanya duduk dan mendengarkan saja cerita-cerita dari mereka. 

Biarlah kerinduan ini kusimpan sendiri saja. Harapanku tahun ini, semoga aku bisa mengulang kembali kenangan itu walau hanya sesaat. Semoga ketika aku bertemu kembali dengan mereka, aku sudah mampu memantapkan hati dan pikiranku. 

Monday, 25 January 2021

2021 Intermezo

If you have the chance to see every possible version of you, in every choicest you could made in this life, would you stay the same? Or you would like to venture the other version of you? I wish I could venture the other side of me but, does that mean I won't ever met them, met her, won't I ever feel helplessly fall in love to someone, when I thought about it, it's kinda sad and empty life. But, did woke up every morning to be suffocated by the thought of everyone leaving really worth it? Why do I have to be so easily fall in love with someone? 

After carefully looking inside my self, I realized, I don't have so much purpose in this life. That why I easily falling in love with someone, despite I got attracted to their beauties or my male instinct, the more I know someone else dream, the more I got magnetized to them, because they have something, that I don't. I wanted to helped them realized their dream, so I could get another hold for my reason to live.

But, just like me, they're also have their own preferences kind of man, and honestly I don't think I have that kind charm or charisma. That's why, I tried to change, I given up to look for what I don't have. So far I knew, my biggest mistake is that to fall in love, so I stopped to fall, and start to build love. I mean, when I fall in love it was always unplanned or accidentally happened, but when I thought about building love, I'm able to plan something for it. Like it was easy you know, it can be less suffocated too. Building love start as simple build love to my own self. By doing it, somehow, I can manage not a far future dream but it can be as simple as, tomorrow I want to learn Kalimba, next Sunday I wanted to take a picture on historical site, etc. That's when I realize, maybe I just wanna live my life. Well, the thought of someday I could be all alone, really terrifying but why do I need to suffering my self for uncertain future?

I never said that I don't get jealous when I see someone in relationship, I always thought "It look nice to be loved by someone." I always try to comfort myself by the thought, "It's okay, I still have people who loved me to." I always thought it was two kind of different love but, I could said it's not different at all. I always thought that two people who fall in love, can talk about everything with no secret at all, but that's not the case, I realized no matter what kind of love is it, there's always secret behind it. And being in love in thought of "living together for ever and ever" is not as easy as fall in love, there's something that need to be build so "living together for ever and ever" can ever happened, this the reason I stop falling in love. I need to build love first, how I love myself, how I love my families, my friend, and maybe how I love the life itself. Honestly I don't quite sure how to do it, but one thing I sure building families is a hustle and full time job, and looking how I managed my own job, I don't quite sure the me right now will able to build up a proper families, so I preparing the very fundamental and critical thing in family, that is Finance. Well, I kind of working toward it right now, and for other things I tried to enjoy myself a bit more, caring and loving everyone around me, even though I know how messed up the world right now, at least if I could make a person smiling today, it still worth it. Hopefully 2021, the world can be a little bit better, and dear my future wife, if you does exist somewhere out there, please don't give up looking for me, cause I don't give up looking for you either.