Sudah gak tahu lagi, berapa banyak air mata ini tumpah. Memalukan ya, seorang pria yang hampir berumur 30, menghabiskan harinya dengan tangis. Entah tangis karena menahan rasa sakit saat terapi, atau tangis terhadap rasa kecewa yang menumpuk di dada. 

Namun kali ini, aku menangis akan hal lain,  hampir 2 bulan, tidak berdaya karena peradangan pada sendiku, aku melihat hal-hal luar biasa yang dilakukan kedua orang tuaku. Bagaimana pedulinya mereka diusia mereka yang tak lagi muda, untuk terus membantu dan merawatku, selayaknya aku seperti kembali menjadi anak kecil. Aku benar-benar merasa beruntung, dimana banyak diluar sana mereka yang mungkin orang tuanya sudah tiada. 

Aku merasa sedih dan malu terhadap diriku yang tak berdaya ini, namun semua pengorbanan yang dilakukan orang tuaku, sekaligus menjadi obat semangat untuk diriku. Sekarang aku memahami, kenapa Tuhan tak pernah membiarkanku sendiri, karena mungkin Dia tahu, aku tak akan mampu menjalani ini semua seorang diri. 

Aku yang selalu mengejar hal-hal duniawi sebelumnya, saat ini aku hanya ingin kembali sehat, dan menggunakan kesembuhanku nanti untuk menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik, serta berguna bagi semua orang. Kesembuhan menjadi mimpi terbesarku saat ini, bukan lagi gaji tinggi, jabatan tinggi, atau hal-hal lainnya. Aku hanya ingin sehat, dan dapat membalas semua kebaikan orang tuaku. 

Sekarang aku sudah bisa menerima penyakit yang aku derita ini sebagai sebuah sarana yang Tuhan berikan padaku, untuk melihat hal-hal penting yang seharusnya kujaga, yang seharusnya kuperhatikan lebih baik lagi. Aku tahu ini tidak akan mudah, tidak akan cepat, tapi aku akan berusaha demi kedua orang tuaku. 

I don't know what title I should give to this story. It's been one month since I came back to Semarang, after 3 years long journey on Capital City. Honestly, I don't know how should I feel about it. 

Everything seemed so well at the beginning, I moved to Semarang, hoping everything will start smoothly, a big future waiting me in the future. Joined in one big IT company, somewhat like a dream come true. I begin to planned everything, life, marriage, and career. 

I even planned out an engagement ceremonies later on December. Me and Linda my loved one, already started preparing everything. Till one day, everything start to look sorrows. 

At first I feel my whole body was aching. Till later on the day I found out, I got caught dengue fever. And not just that, I feel so much pain on my knee, that I had trouble to walk. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized on the 3rd day of my job. I thought once I got discharged, everything will come back to normal. But I was wrong, after get hospitalized for around 4 day, I start back to my boarding house, leave everything at there. Then I start to think, maybe tomorrow I will just go to work from my home in Salatiga, so I go home, leaving my medicine on my boarding house, because I thought it won't be that much problem. 

And so the problem arise at night, my right foot was in so much pain, that I can barely hold, I don't know how much time I gonna passed out, so my families decided to take me back to hospital. The nurse tried to gave me a painkiller injection, but that doesn't work, so they suggested me to be back to hospitalized. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized again after 12 hours of being discharged. 

My mom basically sleeping with me in the hospital for one whole week, but thankfully Linda able to switching place with my mom, so the last 3 day I was watched by her. But that one week worth of hospitalized, only able to reduce the pain, not healed the real problem. 

After one month worth of control and therapy at physiotherapist, I don't feel so much changes, so I started to change the hospital, but it's still the same, the problem is not yet cured. This disease start to eating up my mind, so much plan, that goes to the drain, because of it, so much people become disappointed on me because of it. 

I honestly don't know, what option do I still have. I am lucky that I got a supportive family, but I still can't shake the feeling of depression off. 

Today It got worsened, I can't even walk and stand properly without anyone help, even to take a bath, or take a dump. I feel so much useless today. Even I am almost passed out try to endure the pain. 

I don't know how I should feel about this..