FRIEND

It's been such a long time, since I feel strong enough to write about something. This day I realized, after I watched an anime which title is Kiznaiver, I understand what I've been felt for so long. Sometime you know, I always thinking, my relation with everyone was a fake one. Like, you know I tried so hard to kept them together, but I think that wasn't the case. After watching the movie I realize something, it's okay for us to keep secret with each other, to secretly have a crush one another, or even fight for something foolish, hurting each other, everything was fine, because you know why? because we don't know a thing about each other.

If I can compare my personality with the character of the anime, I'm like Chidori, the female character, yup how shame of me, but I thinks it's okay, because that how I really am. I am just a goody two shoes person, everything I do was look like I did for the other but honestly deep down I'm only thinking about myself. How she hesitated about her feeling toward Kacchon who she secretly have a crush with, really look a lot like me, even in the end she got rejected and how she want to keep close to him, much more like me.

It's make me thinking for a while, all of the years I spent in university, never really walk in the park. There are times when things get so hard, so tough, but never bit once I thought it was one big deal. It's because I have them, someone I can rely on, someone I can trust with, someone who would punch me in the face when I go wrong, someone who I can talked to, and someone who I can spend my time doing nothing, just sitting and starring to the skies.

Then come the times we all got separated. We goes all around the globe, we have our own life, chasing our own dream. I thought it hurts so much, I've knew this feeling before, the felt of someone who suddenly disappear, someone who suddenly changed, the feel of being abandoned, that what I thought, this kind of thing happening again in my life. That's why I started to distancing myself, not just with someone who I work with, but also with them. Yet, no matter how hurt it is, my hearth can't stop but wondering, how they feel, what kind of hurdles they have right now, are they fine, healthy, safe, there's so much things I don't understand.

It's because I don't understand that I wonder what the other is thinking and try desperately to understand every word they say. I end up thinking too much about the other person, and being close to them becomes painful so I try to distance myself. I believe I become friends with somebody by doing that over and over, and that's how... If we were able to know and share other people’s pain and suffering as our own, fighting would not occur... However, there are limits to a person’s imagination.


If I still want to connect, I can’t just keep waiting. I have to try to connect on my own. I would never knew just by wondering, guessing, I won't know where it hurt when thing stay closed behind the door, the think is I never once have a honest talk with them all, even though, they share their pain with me, I do want to connect with them, it's okay if I don't understand, I just wanted to stay with them a little longer, and understand a little bit better.. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s how I became friends with these guys.

Thanks for becoming my friends.