I didn't know how am I ended up like this. This is maybe the last time I ever posted the final piece of life I've been through in college. I know I tend to get insecure, I hate being alone, despite that's I'm always wearing a mask every single day. Than I take my time to think, did I really changed for the better, yet every time I see myself in the mirror, I look no different from where I got into the college. So I start to think, where did I go wrong?
It's take me back to where it all beginning, my first semester. I never thought all this thing will be this tough, I barely made my degree, opening the college life with the worse starting score that I someday will know, that's how fucked up my college life to begin with. I'm being sleazy about my study, I never tough the test will be that hard, and I learned but I never changed so what's the point. Eventually my grade crumbling before my eyes, and I just stand there watching helplessly. Everyday I spent my day in the locked room and cursed myself why I've to be ended somewhere far from home. I'm feeling homesick, I feel lonely. Until then I saw myself a place, that take a plastic people like me come to it, that place is PRMK-FT Undip.
So, then I can finally feel the piece of taste not being lonely again. I'm so drowning into it, and somehow made me forget about my grade that keep falling down. I'm always thought, I don't care about anything else as long as I can feel this piece of happiness, even maybe that's mean I putting another mask, or even made another liar, just so everyone can be around me and not go away. Going more deeply and madly, lie after lie, just another fake day's keep coming, just like my mom told me that's day, one lie will cause another lies. That's how plastic person I really am.
I know, everyone thinking I'm doing it because I care for them, but really? All I know, I never doing them any good, all I had done just be a burden to them. I'm act all that cocky just to hide how weak I really am, without them I might be hopeless, no one help me with my study, or even hanging out with me, I don't wanna feel being left out, or lonely again. I'm already consumed by that fear, and have no courage to fight with. Long time have gone I'm still succumb to that's fear. Fear someday they will forget about, fear one day no one ever recognize me. That's how I really feel until now and it's keep bugging me. Even it's give an impact to currently situation in PRMK-FT itself, and somehow I'm blaming the organizer why this organization turn into some quiet place. I realize I should take the blame myself, I'm just pushed my ego about PRMK that I want to the organizer, with a sweet talk that because I love it, until I realized recently, I'm making no sense here, I'm just trying to run away again from something that I really should have faced.
So today I'm come to a conclusion, I realized how messed up my life right now, how plastic person I'm, how selfish I'm, and the worse of all what a loser person I became. Unable to face what I really have to face, always running away and find some self righteous, that's never solved anything. I'm tired of it, I'm sick of it, but I know regretting won't solve anything, so starting today I promised I will make up what I've done, I will not running away no more, if there is something I really have to face right now, it's about my Final Project, I will finish it this month no matter what happened. At least I still know something what was real, the way I feel toward my friend, toward every girl I loved, and My dream, I still want to hangout with everyone with the families we will have in the future, I still want to be that bridge, that can connect everyone dreams, so I will fight for it with all the thing I've got, I don't know if it too late or not, at least I won't dying regretting because not trying.
