Hello Thirty

I just fixed my guitar string, and somehow it working out. I tried some popular song, that I used to sing a lot in the past. And this kind of sudden feeling hit me, the feeling of all floating time that I had been through. All the memories and the melodies are mixed as one as I sing the song.

Starting from a really old song like Smoke on the water from deep purple, ThunderStruck from AC/DC, until some Punk song that really click to me so well, Avril, Blink, Linkin Park, then I stop singing put down my guitar, and like damn, all that song was like 10+ years ago. Even song like Gangnam Style already 13th years old, since it released at 2012.Damn I'm old.

I'm only 30 years old but, why does time feels like moving so fast, all those years, and memories, are nothing but like a fleeting dreams. And some of my Idol, either at Sport, Music, or Actor are old already. They aren't like they used to before, and it hit me like, what happened if they're gone, I honestly think I would be sad, they are much like a parent figure to me. People like Cristiano, Messi, LeBron, Avril, Taylor Swift, SimplePlan, MCR, Green Day, Blink182, and so much more, I grew up watching them, listening to them, about their Ideology, their point of view about everything, and their routines. Yeah it would be devastated if they are gone, even when Kobe, Dolores, and Bennington gone, deep down I feel so sad.

It's not just them, everyone that close to me, as time goes by will get older, my parent, my brother, my grandma and grandpa, everyone that I love are get older. They said 30 is old enough but I'm still refuse to be old, there is so much that I wanted to do, and I do hope I got so much time that I can spend with everyone that I love, that I care about. I realize during this 30, time does precious, memories are precious, it gave you experience, it let you taste all the flavor that life have gave you, and so you can talk to yourself, yeah I'm alive.

One of this day, I start thinking should I change workplace again? But knowing that right now I was so close to everyone that I love make me hesitate to jump ship, since I don't know, if moving on will be great for me. 

You know I always wish that I and everyone that I love can live forever, yeah my inner child still refuse to get old. 

But it is what it is, it's life. I come to closure with it, It just sad knowing everything will come to an end, but I hope everyone got the ending their hoping for, so did I.

Damai

Terakhir kali aku menulis blog ini, adalah tahun 2022, hampir dua tahun yang lalu. Sekarang aku sudah mampu berjalan kembali dengan kedua kakiku, meskipun sudah tak senyaman dulu, namun aku masih bersyukur atas apa yang sudah aku alami selama dua tahun kebelakang ini. Rahmat dan berkat Tuhan sangat melimpah diberikannya padaku.

Saat ini aku hidup bahagia dengan istriku Linda, yang sudah setia menemaniku juga selama aku sakit, yang selalu gak pernah lelah untuk menyemangatiku agar aku bisa berjalan. Aku dan Linda bukanlah dua orang yang memiliki hobi dan kesukaan yang sama, namun kami ibarat dua orang dengan kepribadian yang saling bertolak belakang, namun segala perbedaan itu yang membuat setiap hari selalu diwarnai dengan cerita baru. Aku sangat menyayanginya, dia seperti jawaban dari Tuhan atas doa-doa serta pengharapanku selama ini.

Sekarang sudah hampir 2 tahun aku bekerja di salah satu perusahaan IT Consulting besar di dunia, aku sendiri, bagaimana aku bisa survive sejauh ini. Semua ini tidak lepas juga dari Bapak dan Ibu Manager, serta Senior Manager/Sekarang AsDir, serta bapak Leadership Semarang, yang aku sangat senang mendengarkan ceramahnya, yang sudah berani menerimaku kembali kala itu, dengan segala kekuranganku. Jujur saja, awalnya aku sempat ada rasa malu, dan khawatir, harus ke kantor dengan menggunakan kruk, tapi semua itu tidak menjadi suatu permasalahaan bagi mereka, sehingga aku bisa berfokus semaksimal mungkin dengan segala hal yang dapat aku lakukan.

Awalnya memang tidak mudah, namun perlahan dan pasti, aku mampu beradaptasi dengan budaya serta kecepatan dalam mendilvery setiap pekerjaan untuk memberikan service terbaik bagi client. Aku masih belum merasa begitu jago dalam bidang SAP BASIS ini, namun aku pribadi sudah merasa cukup percaya diri, dalam setiap tantangan yang baru mengingat perkembangan teknologi yang semakin cepat juga, mulai dari cloud computing, hyperscaller, hingga genAI, ini seperti sebuah petualangan baru, dimana pengalaman saja tidak cukup, semua orang memulai dari titik yang sama.

Di sini juga aku menemukan team baru, yang menyenangkan, dan bisa diajak sebagai sahabat diskusi, sebuah team yang sekilas membawaku teringat akan persahabatanku di PRMK FT dulu. Dibandingkan mereka mungkin aku yang sudah paling banyak makan asam garam di dunia SAP BASIS, tapi aku berharap dengan seringnya kita sering menyelesaikan isu bersama, mereka bisa menjadi sahabat dalam mengarungi duniaa SAP BASIS, yang kadang absurd ini.

Sekarang aku sudah bisa berdamai dengan diriku, memaafkan diriku sendiri, dari setiap kesalahan dimasa lalu. Menyaksikan sahabat-sahabatku dapat mencapai impiannya masing-masing juga menjadi kepuasan tersendiri di dalam batin. Kedua orang tuaku yang masih sehat sampai sekarang, dan aktif beraktivitas di salatiga sana. Adekku yang juga sudah selesai S2. Aku berada dititik dimana, aku seperti merasakan tidak membutuhkan apa-apa lagi. Aku sekarang sudah bisa kembali berfokus pada tujuanku, untuk dapat menyelesaikan setiap permintaan clientku, membuat mereka merasa lega dan tenang dengan kehadiranku. 

Jadi klo ditanya sampe sekarang apa yang membuatku bisa betah dengan pekerjaanku? Mungkin karena melihat orang yang aku bantu dapat tersenyum, adalah kepuasan tersendiri bagiku, apa menolong orang itu hobi dan passionku? Mungkin bisa dibilang begitu. 😊

Sudah gak tahu lagi, berapa banyak air mata ini tumpah. Memalukan ya, seorang pria yang hampir berumur 30, menghabiskan harinya dengan tangis. Entah tangis karena menahan rasa sakit saat terapi, atau tangis terhadap rasa kecewa yang menumpuk di dada. 

Namun kali ini, aku menangis akan hal lain,  hampir 2 bulan, tidak berdaya karena peradangan pada sendiku, aku melihat hal-hal luar biasa yang dilakukan kedua orang tuaku. Bagaimana pedulinya mereka diusia mereka yang tak lagi muda, untuk terus membantu dan merawatku, selayaknya aku seperti kembali menjadi anak kecil. Aku benar-benar merasa beruntung, dimana banyak diluar sana mereka yang mungkin orang tuanya sudah tiada. 

Aku merasa sedih dan malu terhadap diriku yang tak berdaya ini, namun semua pengorbanan yang dilakukan orang tuaku, sekaligus menjadi obat semangat untuk diriku. Sekarang aku memahami, kenapa Tuhan tak pernah membiarkanku sendiri, karena mungkin Dia tahu, aku tak akan mampu menjalani ini semua seorang diri. 

Aku yang selalu mengejar hal-hal duniawi sebelumnya, saat ini aku hanya ingin kembali sehat, dan menggunakan kesembuhanku nanti untuk menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik, serta berguna bagi semua orang. Kesembuhan menjadi mimpi terbesarku saat ini, bukan lagi gaji tinggi, jabatan tinggi, atau hal-hal lainnya. Aku hanya ingin sehat, dan dapat membalas semua kebaikan orang tuaku. 

Sekarang aku sudah bisa menerima penyakit yang aku derita ini sebagai sebuah sarana yang Tuhan berikan padaku, untuk melihat hal-hal penting yang seharusnya kujaga, yang seharusnya kuperhatikan lebih baik lagi. Aku tahu ini tidak akan mudah, tidak akan cepat, tapi aku akan berusaha demi kedua orang tuaku. 

I don't know what title I should give to this story. It's been one month since I came back to Semarang, after 3 years long journey on Capital City. Honestly, I don't know how should I feel about it. 

Everything seemed so well at the beginning, I moved to Semarang, hoping everything will start smoothly, a big future waiting me in the future. Joined in one big IT company, somewhat like a dream come true. I begin to planned everything, life, marriage, and career. 

I even planned out an engagement ceremonies later on December. Me and Linda my loved one, already started preparing everything. Till one day, everything start to look sorrows. 

At first I feel my whole body was aching. Till later on the day I found out, I got caught dengue fever. And not just that, I feel so much pain on my knee, that I had trouble to walk. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized on the 3rd day of my job. I thought once I got discharged, everything will come back to normal. But I was wrong, after get hospitalized for around 4 day, I start back to my boarding house, leave everything at there. Then I start to think, maybe tomorrow I will just go to work from my home in Salatiga, so I go home, leaving my medicine on my boarding house, because I thought it won't be that much problem. 

And so the problem arise at night, my right foot was in so much pain, that I can barely hold, I don't know how much time I gonna passed out, so my families decided to take me back to hospital. The nurse tried to gave me a painkiller injection, but that doesn't work, so they suggested me to be back to hospitalized. 

So yeah, I got hospitalized again after 12 hours of being discharged. 

My mom basically sleeping with me in the hospital for one whole week, but thankfully Linda able to switching place with my mom, so the last 3 day I was watched by her. But that one week worth of hospitalized, only able to reduce the pain, not healed the real problem. 

After one month worth of control and therapy at physiotherapist, I don't feel so much changes, so I started to change the hospital, but it's still the same, the problem is not yet cured. This disease start to eating up my mind, so much plan, that goes to the drain, because of it, so much people become disappointed on me because of it. 

I honestly don't know, what option do I still have. I am lucky that I got a supportive family, but I still can't shake the feeling of depression off. 

Today It got worsened, I can't even walk and stand properly without anyone help, even to take a bath, or take a dump. I feel so much useless today. Even I am almost passed out try to endure the pain. 

I don't know how I should feel about this.. 

Truth and Love

Time pointing at 2 p.m

Yet here I am sitting alone

Too tired to sleep

Just keeping my mind steady

And yet

I am still thinking about you

That time seem don't want to stop for me

Lost while trying to peek into your heart

Now I lost empty and stranded

With no feeling nowhere to be found

I thought, I won't sing the same sad song, twice

But this kind of emotion, 

like to play in repeat within my mind

So please, just once

Let me hear the song of your heart

While looking at your face full of love

I really want to hear it

I am so badly want to understand it

Become I knew I was never wrong about you

No matter how loneliness killing me slowly

Or how badly my disease corrupting my body

I am still believe

I will see you again

Maybe not in this time, 

Maybe in another life, 

After all, it's just like what I always hope for

I won't ever lose you this way

I don't need any reason to love right? 

Because I won't ever able to convince you

And yeah, 

I will eventually become your memories

I am smiling yet it so damn hurt

Even my tear could look this bright

So please, just once

Let me hear the song of your heart

While looking at your face full of love

I really want to hear it

I am so badly want to understand 

Even though there's someone else

Which you staring so deeply right now

Let me hear it, the song of your love, 

So I can look what love really is

And I could once more believe

That this love song is real

And I swear

I am already accepting my past

No matter what memories and regret

I swallow it all as a whole 

Now, I tried to sing my own love song

So It will remind me of you

Even though there's someone else

Which you staring so deeply right now

But my love song won't end

Because I had met you

That's the truth and love