It's not cool,
For a man to keep on whining,
Weak, Immature, unsightly,
If I am a man,
I should shut my mouth,
Endure all the pain,
Convert it into strength,
And keep moving forward,
Because that all I can do,
Keep moving forward,
More, More, and More further.

26

Dua puluh enam, usia ku yang sudah seperempat abad lebih setahun. Banyak hal sudah kualami, banyak pengalaman yang sudah kudapat. Pelajaran demi pelajaran dari bumi dan kehidupan sudah meresap dalam benak, akal budiku.

Tapi, entah mengapa? Aku sama sekali tak merasa berubah. Di saat roda kehidupan terus berputar. Aku masih diam di tempat yang sama. Belakangan, aku merasa benar-benar terasingkan. Tak ada satupun pikiran yang yang terhubungkan. Keyakinanku akan banyak hal, mulai goyah.

Aku lemah, ya, aku memang lemah. Aku sempat merasa emosi terhadap mereka yang kuanggap sahabatku. Saat aku merasa mereka telah berubah. Saat imaji dan harapku akan mereka ternyata tak sama. Tidak, bukan salah mereka. Melainkan itu salahku. Yang mudah percaya dan yakin mereka sempurna. Namun pada dasarnya, mereka memang manusia. Mereka berubah terhadap keadaan, terhadap situasi, terhadap permasalahan, mereka tidak salah.

Salahku yang tidak berubah, salahku yang selalu memegang teguh idealismeku. Aku yang memaksakan dunia, agar beradaptasi denganku. Tidak, bukan begitu caranya. Tapi apa guna hidupku tanpa idealisme itu? Bukankah lebih baik mati? Tidak, aku tidak ingin mati! Lebih baik aku hidup melata di jalanan ibu kota, menyeret idealismeku daripada harus mati!

Wahai sahabatku, aku mencintai kalian, sangat. Aku ingin sekali membantu kalian, tapi aku tidak bisa apa-apa jika aku lemah bukan. Izinkan aku pergi membawa idealismeku ini pada tujuannya. Biarkan aku sendiri untuk sejenak. Percayalah, dengan perpisahan kita akan mengerti makna pertemuan. Aku butuh jarak. Sampai aku bisa menguasai emosiku, mengontrol egoku, dan mewujudkan mimpiku. Aku hanya lelaki yang ingin belajar untuk tetap bertahan dalam pertarungannya dengan kehidupan.

The longer I live the more I think that people who understands me, becoming less and less. It's not like I am afraid to be alone, it's just, I don't know to whom I might share all the thought I have in my mind. Maybe this one blog the only thing I have left that I can share everything on it.

I don't know if everyone did mistake me for someone else or what. They said I'm kind, I'm not selfish, I'm calm, I'm humble, I'm smart, and so much sweet things they said all about me, but did they not know, I don't deserve all of that. I am weak, I am a liar, I am stupid, I cried a lot, I am selfish, I anger a lot, I am envious to a lot of things, I am a fool that don't have the guts to show it all. I shallow it all by myself, I hate myself, I despised myself a lot. I envy everyone that were blessed with so much gift, yet they don't do a things to make it more better.

I am who born talentless, only can learn and learn so much, yet It only can get me so far, if being compared to one who gifted, I was nothing. I am really bad to know when to given up. I am empty inside, all the smile you look outside, just the face I choose you to saw, all the word I said only the voice I choose you to hear, all about me on the outside are artificial.

I love this woman, an old friends of mine, I tried so hard not to show it, for I don't know how long has it, right now, I don't know why, but she kinda turn cold toward me, and yeah it made me frustrated. I wish she just talked to me, If I'm bothering her, or it's just my mind start to play with my heart, or I don't know anything anymore, it's like the light and the dark inside me start arguing one with another, so I just put it all in this blog, hope they may find one peace full moment. I'm tired, is there anyone can help me to just lean my back for a short time, so I could start moving again, or maybe I was born to fight everything by myself, if that what it really is, so what the point I'm being with everyone, what the meaning all of this..

I am tired, so much tired..

Every single morning I wake up
I prayed to the Lord
To be grateful
For all the life
All the glory
That I had
Or yet to come
For all the help
He gave upon me
For His blessings
And protections
To everyone that matters to me
If something bad gonna happen to them
I beg Him, let it be me
Even if it's cost me, my life
I love every single one of them
My families, my friends
They the light that keep me sane
It's broke my heart
Seeing them suffering
So dear Lord, just let it be me
For all the worse they yet to bear
When my hands can't reach them
When I can't protect them all
Please keep them safe
Because only in You
I can rest all of my troubles
All the things that I can't do it alone

The Story You Dont Know

Since when I wonder, 
Have I been chasing after you? 
Somehow, please, 
Don't be surprised and listen 
to these feelings of mine.

Next to you, who was having fun, 
I couldn't say anything.

In truth, I had already 
Realized my feelings for you some time ago. 
I found them, 
but they'll never reach you. 
"It's no use. Don't cry." 
That's what I told myself.

I bluffed in my faint-heartedness, 
Acting like I had no interest. 
However, 
That prickling pain in my chest, growing... 
Mn...that's right.  
Falling in love is like that.

What do I want to do? Please tell me. 
There was a voice in my heart. 
Being beside you is enough. 
Reality is harsh.

I didn't say it. 
I couldn't say it. 
I'll never get another chance.

That summer day, 
Those sparkling stars 
Even now I still remember. 
That laughing face, 
And that angry face, 
I really loved them. 
Strange isn't it? 
Even though I knew that... 
You didn't know, 
The secret only I knew.