2021 Intermezo

If you have the chance to see every possible version of you, in every choicest you could made in this life, would you stay the same? Or you would like to venture the other version of you? I wish I could venture the other side of me but, does that mean I won't ever met them, met her, won't I ever feel helplessly fall in love to someone, when I thought about it, it's kinda sad and empty life. But, did woke up every morning to be suffocated by the thought of everyone leaving really worth it? Why do I have to be so easily fall in love with someone? 

After carefully looking inside my self, I realized, I don't have so much purpose in this life. That why I easily falling in love with someone, despite I got attracted to their beauties or my male instinct, the more I know someone else dream, the more I got magnetized to them, because they have something, that I don't. I wanted to helped them realized their dream, so I could get another hold for my reason to live.

But, just like me, they're also have their own preferences kind of man, and honestly I don't think I have that kind charm or charisma. That's why, I tried to change, I given up to look for what I don't have. So far I knew, my biggest mistake is that to fall in love, so I stopped to fall, and start to build love. I mean, when I fall in love it was always unplanned or accidentally happened, but when I thought about building love, I'm able to plan something for it. Like it was easy you know, it can be less suffocated too. Building love start as simple build love to my own self. By doing it, somehow, I can manage not a far future dream but it can be as simple as, tomorrow I want to learn Kalimba, next Sunday I wanted to take a picture on historical site, etc. That's when I realize, maybe I just wanna live my life. Well, the thought of someday I could be all alone, really terrifying but why do I need to suffering my self for uncertain future?

I never said that I don't get jealous when I see someone in relationship, I always thought "It look nice to be loved by someone." I always try to comfort myself by the thought, "It's okay, I still have people who loved me to." I always thought it was two kind of different love but, I could said it's not different at all. I always thought that two people who fall in love, can talk about everything with no secret at all, but that's not the case, I realized no matter what kind of love is it, there's always secret behind it. And being in love in thought of "living together for ever and ever" is not as easy as fall in love, there's something that need to be build so "living together for ever and ever" can ever happened, this the reason I stop falling in love. I need to build love first, how I love myself, how I love my families, my friend, and maybe how I love the life itself. Honestly I don't quite sure how to do it, but one thing I sure building families is a hustle and full time job, and looking how I managed my own job, I don't quite sure the me right now will able to build up a proper families, so I preparing the very fundamental and critical thing in family, that is Finance. Well, I kind of working toward it right now, and for other things I tried to enjoy myself a bit more, caring and loving everyone around me, even though I know how messed up the world right now, at least if I could make a person smiling today, it still worth it. Hopefully 2021, the world can be a little bit better, and dear my future wife, if you does exist somewhere out there, please don't give up looking for me, cause I don't give up looking for you either.

Despite no matter how much I hate losing, I'm always lose to myself. I don't know what I really wanted the most anymore. Somehow it's felt so much hurts, this emptiness, this life, all of it just suck, no more, I'm tired of it. 

Such A Waste

I love you. 

That time. 

But now everything is different. 

I am changing, you're changing. 

We might even barely know each other anymore. 

So that unspoken feeling of mine, 

has been left behind in the past. 

I stopped trying to find the old you. 

I realized, I've been deceived by my own fantasized. 

Pathetic guys. 

No more, I've done. 

I'm tired chasing over you. 

I thought you'd be difference. 

In the end you just the same. 

Such a waste. 

 Aku tidak bisa selamanya menjadi seseorang yang selalu dilindungi dan dicintai. Seraya waktu bertambah, banyak sekali anak-anak lahir di dunia. Merekalah yang membutuhkan perlindungan dan cinta. Agar jembatan harapan masa kini dan masa depan tetap terjaga. Banyak sekali teman-temanku mulai melahirkan bibit bibit baru ke dunia, dan aku bahagia melihat itu semua. 

Dunia mungkin sedang kacau saat ini, pandemi, perang, dan bencana ada hampir di setiap sudut dunia. Aku sempat berpikir untuk menyerah dalam hidup, untuk apa aku berjuang di dunia yang kacau ini, pikirku kala itu. Namun, saat melihat mereka, yang masih kecil, polos, dan bersih lahir di dunia. Aku sadar, sudah jadi tanggung jawabku sebagai yang dewasa, untuk membukakan jalan ke masa depan yang lebih indah untuk mereka.

Aku tak pernah tahu, apakah aku mampu, untuk membuka jalan bagi mereka. Bahkan ketika berusaha menolong diri sendiri saja sudah sulit. Tapi aku tahu benar, rasa yang ada dalam diriku ini nyata adanya. Kesedihan yang kurasakan ketika membayangkan mereka akan tumbuh dalam dunia yang penuh kekacauan, aku rasanya benar-benar ingin menangis. Kenapa dunia ini penuh dengan mereka yang tua dan serakah, tidak bisakah mereka mengalah kepada kebaikan? Jawabanya tidak, kebaikan harus ikut berjuang. Jika yang baik memilih menyerah, maka dunia tidak akan pernah berubah, karena itu aku tidak akan menyerah. Seberat apapun hidupku, meski seorang diri sekalipun, atau bahkan jika seluruh dunia akan menjadi lawanku, aku tak akan peduli, aku tidak menyerah dalam kebaikan. Sudah cukup bagiku rasanya untuk bermuram durja karena kelemahan dan kegagalan, aku harus jadi lebih kuat karena sekarang waktunya bagiku untuk menjadi orang yang melindungi dan mencintai mereka.

The most emptiness feel someone could felt was not because there is no one close to me, rather despite being surrounded by everyone, It seem no one understands me.

I knew the consequences of the way I acted, far before it came to this point. I live with that mask for so long, until it becomes natural to wore it today. Even though it's nice to look everyone smiling, but deep inside I'm still wishes that someone out there who genuine enough would be brave to take that mask off my face. I don't have the courage to take it off, because I always knew no one would like what it's look inside. Yeah despite being a loner, I'm afraid being lonely and that mask helped me hidden my loneliness intact.