Alasan Kenapa Aku Masih Sendiri

Orang-orang minta gw buat romantis,

Tapi gw gak bisa..

Gw gak bisa ngerayu cewek,

karena gw orangnya objektif..

Buat apa muji-muji klo gak ada achievementnya?

Belum lagi gw diminta peka,

Dikira gw Tuhan yang bisa baca pikiran apa?

Waktu gw terlalu berharga buat mikirin orang maunya apa.

Gw diminta buat usaha lebih ketika deketin cewek,

Bukannya gw gak mau, tapi buat gw relasi ke arah pacaran itu buat gw investasi..

Kalau tujuannya udah jelas okelah gw usaha lebih, lah ini tujuannya aja belum jelas buat apa buang-buang resource..

Gw lebih prefer orang yang apa adanya, yang tujuannya dengan tujuanku searah..

Kalau disuruh prefer, gw seneng cewek yang egois..

Karena artinya, dia tahu apa yang dia mau dan apa yang dia gak mau, dia udah tahu skala prioritas dalam hidupnya, dia tahu apa yang penting dalam hidupnya..

Jadi alasan kenapa gw masih single sampe sekarang, ya karena gak ada cewek yang kayak gitu, kebanyakan masih pingin diperjuangin dulu, dingertiin dulu, diprioritasin dulu, lah lu siapa, jadi orang yang penting dihidup gw juga belum..

27 tahun

Tak terasa..

Tiga tahun lagi akan kepala tiga

Usia yang terus bertambah

Diiringi luka dan tawa

Geli..

Saat menilik diri sendiri

Diujung muda yang hampir usai

Apa yang sudah kucapai

Apa kabar diriku yang lalu..

Sudahkah kau lihat setengah usiamu?

Sudahkah kau tentukan arah langkahmu?

Janganlah habis tanyamu akan hidup

Hai diriku..

Tak apa jika semuanya tak baik saja

Tak apa jika kau ingin marah atau menangis tersedu

Karena kita hanyalah manusia

Kamu kuat..

Itu yang kukenal tentang kita

Tak peduli orang bilang apa

Kita yang tentukan mereka lihat apa

Terus tumbuh..

Jangan takut untuk terjatuh

Jangan ragu untuk maju

Karena diam hanya akan meninggalkan malu

Sayangilah..

Mereka yang berharga

Karena waktu semakin mahal

Ketika usia terus bertambah

Ragu

 Hidup tanpa mimpi, hampa,

Ingin mengejar ragu, takut?

Berdiam dalam sendu bagai candu,

Berunggun asa, percuma

Nyata tak lagi senada

Irama hilang dalam doa

Di mana ada percaya?

Dalam diam menunggu masa.

Entahlah

Belakangan ini, aku mulai merasa semua emosi yang ada dalam diriku, yang biasanya meledak-ledak perlahan mulai tenang. Aku mengira, mungkin aku sudah bisa mengendalikan perasaanku, tapi kenapa hanya kosong yang kurasa. Melihat realita hidup yang tidak pernah mudah, seolahku membuatku berpikir, mau emosi seperti apapun percuma, karena pada akhirnya semua hanya akan berakhir mengecewakan, jadi untuk apa bersusah payah.

Aku bahkan tak ingat lagi seperti apa rasanya jatuh cinta, atau hasrat untuk mencintai seseorang, bagiku semua orang sama saja, tidak ada yang spesial, hanya wajah lain yang ku kenal itu saja tidak lebih. Bahkan ketika kerja kerasku berakhir di tempat sampah sekalipun aku tidak marah, entah seperti ada yang hilang dalam diriku, tapi aku tak tahu itu apa. Bahkan rasa sakit yang setiap hari kurasakan karena penyakitku, mulai tak lagi mengganggu bagiku. Mungkin aku sudah begitu akrab dengan penderitaan dan kegagalan, sampai aku tak lagi berharap lebih. Bahkan jika esok aku mati sekalipun, tak masalah bagiku, sudah tidak ada lagi yang mengejutkan bagiku di dunia ini.

FRIEND

It's been such a long time, since I feel strong enough to write about something. This day I realized, after I watched an anime which title is Kiznaiver, I understand what I've been felt for so long. Sometime you know, I always thinking, my relation with everyone was a fake one. Like, you know I tried so hard to kept them together, but I think that wasn't the case. After watching the movie I realize something, it's okay for us to keep secret with each other, to secretly have a crush one another, or even fight for something foolish, hurting each other, everything was fine, because you know why? because we don't know a thing about each other.

If I can compare my personality with the character of the anime, I'm like Chidori, the female character, yup how shame of me, but I thinks it's okay, because that how I really am. I am just a goody two shoes person, everything I do was look like I did for the other but honestly deep down I'm only thinking about myself. How she hesitated about her feeling toward Kacchon who she secretly have a crush with, really look a lot like me, even in the end she got rejected and how she want to keep close to him, much more like me.

It's make me thinking for a while, all of the years I spent in university, never really walk in the park. There are times when things get so hard, so tough, but never bit once I thought it was one big deal. It's because I have them, someone I can rely on, someone I can trust with, someone who would punch me in the face when I go wrong, someone who I can talked to, and someone who I can spend my time doing nothing, just sitting and starring to the skies.

Then come the times we all got separated. We goes all around the globe, we have our own life, chasing our own dream. I thought it hurts so much, I've knew this feeling before, the felt of someone who suddenly disappear, someone who suddenly changed, the feel of being abandoned, that what I thought, this kind of thing happening again in my life. That's why I started to distancing myself, not just with someone who I work with, but also with them. Yet, no matter how hurt it is, my hearth can't stop but wondering, how they feel, what kind of hurdles they have right now, are they fine, healthy, safe, there's so much things I don't understand.

It's because I don't understand that I wonder what the other is thinking and try desperately to understand every word they say. I end up thinking too much about the other person, and being close to them becomes painful so I try to distance myself. I believe I become friends with somebody by doing that over and over, and that's how... If we were able to know and share other people’s pain and suffering as our own, fighting would not occur... However, there are limits to a person’s imagination.


If I still want to connect, I can’t just keep waiting. I have to try to connect on my own. I would never knew just by wondering, guessing, I won't know where it hurt when thing stay closed behind the door, the think is I never once have a honest talk with them all, even though, they share their pain with me, I do want to connect with them, it's okay if I don't understand, I just wanted to stay with them a little longer, and understand a little bit better.. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s how I became friends with these guys.

Thanks for becoming my friends.